The Over-control Trap of High-Performers

Izabella Rehák
Apr 4
5 min read

High-responsibility professionals are often urged to keep everything under control - even things they in reality cannot do much about. This is the over-control trap of high-performers. Recalibrating what is in their scope of control helps to reduce the mental and physical overwhelm.

The Over-control Trap of High-Performers

There’s a common habit I often see with high-performing, high-responsibility individuals (yes, I also fall into this trap myself…). An internal urge to keep everything under control. To make sure everything goes as planned and there are absolutely no surprises. That everyone stands in line and know exactly what they are supposed to do. The deeper patterns is that everything has to go well, we cannot fail. And therefore what typically happens is that we over-prepare, keep checking and double checking. We are still spinning even when the workday is long done about the wording of that presentation and if the floating animation would make more sense. We replay conversations just to be sure we are fully on the same page and haven’t missed a cue. In our bodies there’s restlessness, tension, possibly not being able to fall asleep, some irritation when we are expected to have a meaningful conversation at the dinner table. It is a downward spiral because the scope of what we imagine we need to care about keeps growing. With that our actions to control the situation expand to ensure the outcome is to our (and possibly our bosses) satisfaction. Then we worry even more, are even less present in our free time and even more on edge.

During my psychology studies and later in my coaching training, I was introduced to this concept of Circle of Control, Influence and Concern. It captures the boundaries we actually have when it comes to interacting with the world around us - while there are things we can easily change, there are also things we simply cannot. The three layers are:

Circle of Control: These are all the things we can directly change through our actions, choices and behaviours. I like to think of it as ‘whatever is within my reach’: making the decision to go for an afternoon walk. In a broader context for example, how you build your daily routine, how you respond to a stressful email or for what assignment you say no to.

Circle of Influence: These are the things we can shape indirectly. The outcome is not fully up to us. I like to think of it as for instance taking an umbrella with myself for this walk: it helps to keep my head dry, but possibly my feet still get wet if it’s raining. In work context, for instance, trying to stay calm in a heated discussion hoping that will facilitate your conversation partner to lower their voice, or sharing your opinion to influence a decision at work.

Circle of Concern: All the things you care about but have absolutely no means to change. Like it’s raining and you have to walk the dog. Other examples are aging, economical/political changes, but also high-level management decisions, and most importantly how other people feel, act or what they say. That is entirely their circle of control. And absolutely not yours.

Meet Lily

Meet Lily. As a Procurement Specialist, she has been working very hard to make this deal happen. She was negotiating hard, prepared with a lot of data on trends and scaling plans, worked with the engineering team to get the most accurate schedule and even tried to stir for a discount. But she keeps on worrying: what if the supplier is not willing to commit. What if there’s a competitor requesting higher volumes and the supplier pushes back on delivery times. They made a strange face during the meeting, perhaps they found the question on the discount offensive. After a few days waiting for the supplier’s feedback, she is on edge, snaps at her kids, gets frustrated by small errors a colleague made and has a headache third day in a row.

Lily is consumed by worrying about things that are out of her control. But if we look at it factually: she did all the right things to put herself in a good negotiating position (circle of control), she tried to convince the supplier and make them decide in her favor (circle of influence), but she has absolutely no control over what else may be at the supplier’s pipeline (circle of concern) - which will be the most important factor for the supplier to decide. Yes, it is important but she realized that worrying will not help at all. In fact it will only make things worse. Instead, she reviewed what else she could do and concluded she has already done everything she could possibly do. That gave a peace of mind, she could move on to another assignment while waiting for the supplier’s feedback and instantly got into a better mood, more calm state of mind.

Reflection - explore your circles

Every day we face problems, or difficult situations. It is hard not to worry about them, because they impact (often quite negatively) our lives. On the other hand, becoming more aware of how the worries are distributed across the three circles might actually help to put things in perspective. And more importantly, redirect our focus on what matters: the things we can actually change. Because the more we exhaust our options in the circle of control, the chances are we actually get to the desired outcome. And sometimes not, because the rain just started and even the umbrella and our determination to run to the car will not keep our socks dry.

So let’s explore your circles in a recent stressful problem:

Think about a recent difficult situation. Remember how it all emerged, and what were your thoughts, actions and feelings. Write down all the worries you had and all the actions and measures you have taken. Reflect on how you felt. Make a quick evaluation of the outcome of the situation: was it how you wanted it to turn out?
Now it’s time to break the situation down starting with the circle of control. Write down all the things you believe you had direct control over in this situation. The things that were only dependent on you.
Then let’s look at the things you could shape, indirectly. Perhaps involving others, sharing your opinion, managing the dynamics in the room. Then evaluate how it went: was your trial to nudge others successful? If not, how could you have approached it differently?
Lastly, make a list of all the things that were outside of your control, the things that if you’re really honest with yourself admit that you couldn’t have possibly changed. You wanted to but it’s just simply not possible to change.
Now look back at your circle of control list. Are there any things on that list that should in fact go under the other circles?
Looking at your circles, what do you think about the situation and your ‘performance’ in it? How do you feel about your contribution? And how do you feel about the things you couldn’t have changed?

Conclusions

The dedication, perseverance and reliability is certainly a great strength of high-performers. At times however, these very traits make us believe that we are responsible for everything and that all depends on us. As we learnt today, that is not quite the case. There are many things that we simply cannot control. Things can go wrong despite us doing our very best. The key is to keep our focus on what we can truly change and how we can possibly widen this scope or have better tactics to influence others to reach our goals. At the same time, learn to worry the least about the things in the concern circle.