The hidden social pressure behind overthinking

Overthinking often grows from internalized social expectations, the hidden social pressures. On the surface, we try to adapt - but internally we are doubting, replaying and spiraling.

The hidden social pressure behind overthinking

Did you know? Around 70% of people regularly overthink? That’s about two third of the population. So if you work in a team of 6, there’s quite likely someone else who struggles with their worries and doubts, just like you are.

But let’s take a step back. We’ve already explored many angles of how overthinking develops and this time we will look at social norms and pressure as one of the root causes. While researching for this article and because it is around the time of International Women’s Day, I’ve been wondering what may be some gender-specific patterns of the way we entertain thought loops, if there’s any. The goal is not to emphasize or prove gender differences but to understand how certain patterns, like social norms and expectations may weigh more in for one than the other.

Even though research suggests that women may struggle more with rumination and repetitive negative thinking (yes, I remember the time of my psychology studies - doing research on gender differences was such an evergreen topic, you surely found some statistically somewhat significant difference if you looked long enough), there’s more convincing evidence on individual differences (you and I may be more prone to overthinking, but your neighbor, another female may not at all) and differences across age (younger adults demonstrating the most rumination and a consistent decrease over time) than overthinking being a gender-associated trait. Nevertheless, it looks like there is a stereotype out there that women tend to worry and overthink more. Let me challenge this stereotype.

Where does the stereotype come from then that women overthinking more?

I truly believe that it much more comes down to certain social norms and expected behaviours and reporting tendencies that are behind these differences.

Social norms

I remember loving the documentary The Secret Life of 4- and 5-years Olds, where kids were in a kindergarten setting, given various games and assignments while psychologists observed them and commented on their behaviours from a developmental point of view. There was this episode about gender differences, where it came across how girls were more caring and empathetic, taking less risks, or even pick certain gender-typical toys. The point is, that we are thought early on what is our role and how we are expected to behave.

Already early on, our parents and surrounding may project certain expectations onto us: “boys don’t cry”, “you have to be nice and sit tight” - which will deeply engrave in our belief system of how we are supposed to think, feel, talk or behave.

Expressing emotions, worries

As we learn already in kindergarten that it is OK or not OK to talk about our feelings, or our doubts, we continue doing that later in life too. This may actually mean that if we are psychology students filling out a questionnaire for a fellow student’s thesis, we may be more or less outspoken about how much, how often or how seriously we overthink. In other words: if in your whole life you were expected to share your thoughts and feelings, you will more likely admit that at times you are anxious. And the other way around: if you’re considered weak when you share your worries, you will likely stop admitting it, and rather suppressing it, because it is probably not OK to feel such a way. Bottom line is, the reported data may be corrupted since people may downplay or exaggerate their overthinking when self-reporting. They are not necessarily doing it on purpose, very important detail.

Fear of judgement, exclusion

Now, if we learn early on that how we are expected to be caring, nice, friendly, don’t cause any trouble or do anything risky, we can easily develop a compulsion to conform or a need to please others, or even become inflexible towards any uncertainty. In fact, a lot of the overthinking, replaying conversations, analyzing surroundings for threats come from this place: we don’t want to be judged negatively, excluded from the group or looked at as not competent or good enough. We compensate with being nice, with monitoring the environment, scanning for social risks, avoid any awkwardness, worry about rejection. This fear paired with the high standards we set for ourselves and the never-ending list of expectations - surely insecurity kicks in.

Overthinking is a human problem

In the end, we all want to fit in. It’s been crucial for our survival for thousands of years when we were part of a tribe, part of a community that could help us stay out of trouble. So naturally, we will become anxious if we think we did something that may not be liked by our peers. This is not a gender-issue, it is a socialization issue. We may handle it differently (share our worries with a trusted friend or keep it inside), but spiraling will show up for many people who are socially conscious, want to fit in, want to be liked, or conform to the high social standards set by themselves or others in their group.

Reflection - challenge the hidden norms

Let's try to challenge these hidden social norms we follow. It is not about bluntness or confrontation for the sake of it, but about learning that our relationships can actually handle more honesty and vulnerability than we think.

1. Revisit a recent socially heavy moment

Think about a recent social situation that felt too much. Perhaps you felt mentally drained by an interaction or edited yourself in a meeting, or even embarrassed because of what you said.

Close your eyes for 30 seconds. Re-enter the room. Who was there? What was the tone? What did your body feel like? What was crossing your mind?

2. Awareness of the social norms driving our behaviours

Let’s reflect now on all the things that were said and all the ones that weren’t. What stopped you from saying certain things? What did you imagine would happen if you said it? Whose comfort were you prioritizing?

What happened after? Perhaps you replayed, perhaps you polished all the things you wanted to say in your head over and over, perhaps you felt annoyed or embarrassed.

Realizing how we censored ourselves and what effect it had on us is very insightful, because it brings this link to the surface how in our effort to fit in, we end up prioritizing the wellbeing of others over our own.

3. Let’s try differently

It is not easy to speak up, there’s so many deep rules and beliefs that stops us instantly. Nevertheless, finding a middle ground, where we feel our needs were honored is just as important. It is also a great way to explore that quite likely the relationship can handle more self-disclosure.

During the next week, look for low-stake situations where you can experiment with being more open and honest of your thoughts. Speak up in a respectful way. Share what you think, while keeping the door open that other’s may have a different opinion, and that’s OK.

It’s not about confrontation or dominance. It’s to understand where the true boundaries of the relationship lies.

After you spoken up, reflect on what happened, what the impact was on the relationship (did it cause any harm, is it intact? if it changed, what’s the impact?). Are you spiraling or perhaps it’s only in your mind to celebrate your bravery? What does this experiment tell you about the relationship and open communication?

Conclusions

We’ve taken a look at how our early-on experiences about how we need to behave in order to fit in may quietly drive our overthinking. If we are expected to always be nice and talk gently about our emotions, we may set ourselves a more rigid standard to what is allowed to say or think, resulting in more control of our own behaviour, leading to tension and overthinking. Gently challenging if our assumptions are correct about where these real social expectations lie, can help us reduce our self-doubt and uncertainty.

References

Johnson, D. P., & Whisman, M. A. (2013). Gender differences in rumination: A meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences, 55(4), 367–374. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2013.03.019

Lilly, K. J. K., Howard, C. H., & Zubielevitch, E. (2023). Thinking twice: Examining gender differences in repetitive negative thinking across the adult lifespan. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, Article 1239112. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1239112